I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby. Come with me Friday, don’t say maybe

Who was it that said “Cream cake cream cake apple pie mum, I have loud music coming out of my bum”?

I can’t recall either, but I know what they were driving at. Music is like a cake, and like a cake it must enter and also leave your body. Actually, music doesn’t have to leave your body but I think you know what I am saying. It is something about cakes and digestion and also about music and volume. And bums. It is all very deep actually and if I have to explain it then you have obviously never heard music before. Or eaten a cake of apple and / or cream. Idiot.

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Which brings me on to a few tracks / bands I have been switched onto recently.

  1. ‘Marquee Moon’ by Television – I came across this on the Stranger Things soundtrack and it is brilliant. Never a band I listened to back in the day. Really long track and I could listen to it on repeat.
  2. Fuzzy Sun – Stockport band who supported Blossoms at the recent Edgeley Park gig. Love their sound. I had assumed the singer was a woman. How wrong was I.

3. Chairmen of the Board’s ‘Give me just a little more time’ – featured regularly in the Athletico Mince* podcast, so much so that it is on my Spotify hardcore list.

4. Superpunk’s ‘Man kann einen ehrlichen Mann nicht auf seine Knie zwingen’. How had I never heard this cracking track before?

5. Wheatus’ ‘I’m just a teenage dirtbag’ – nuff said.

*In relation to Athletico Mince, I nicked on of their ideas as part of my BBQ Quiz last month. A few sample questions are included at the end of this blog for your enjoyment.

I should point out that cake-wise, I am more of a tarty man. Bakewell Tart or a frangipane. Oh yes.

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So we had our hols late July and into August.

We left the menagerie behind and flew – in an aircraft – to the Mexican Yucatan east coast state of Quintana Roo. Me and Mrs Bob honeymooned there 23 years ago, and then went back with the wee babbies three years back when we turned 50. Loved it so much we went back yet again in 2019.

Now my friends, I have had an hour or so of icky tummy / s(h)itty on toilet before, but not the five days I had this time. A day in bed with both ends threatening to gush forth (just the one end did, regularly), fever and chills. I shouted a lot in my sleep and also when semi-conscious. Worra laugh! Day Two was a lot better, and then the next three days just entailed being near a loo if needed and occasionally groaning and saying ‘my tummy hurts’.

The positive side was that my all inclusive eating excesses were curbed and I came back weighing less than I went! I still had some lovely food. No booze as I am alcohol free at present, but the other three all imbibed and worked their way through the cocktails on offer.

Animal paradise – spider monkeys, coati mundis and iguanas. Oh and lots of resident cats. Most of the critters chilled in the jungle around the resort and the mangrove swamps by the Caribbean, and would wander around nicking your sugary drinks – alcoholic cocktails in particular – or food, or anything they could get hold of. Scallies.

I found it rather rude that when a pic was posted on Facebook of me with no top on, next to a monkey, the focus was on my hairiness and apparent nudity, rather than on the lovely monkey.

Very hot weather indeed and the pools were like warm baths by mid-afternoon. The sea was fab though and perfect fine golden sand. I looked like a Mexican God so everyone told me.

With apologies to my Canadian friend(s), they were the most annoying and rude of the nationalities on display, followed by the USA and then  – I am guessing – Brazil. The loudest booziest ones were Canadian, the rudest ones to staff were from the USA and the most annoying ‘let’s dance / shake our bums like we are on the beach at Rio with our own loud music whilst getting pissed and annoying everyone round me’ were, I assume, Brazilian. The Brits were actually quite quiet and respectful and said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I reckon we behave better when we are outside of Europe!

Best films on the plane? My top choice was ‘Fighting with the family’ which saw Nick Frost married to GoT’s Cersei. I enjoyed the Queen one but got confused in the Charlie Brown film. I did pick up a new term of endearment for Mrs Bob in the latter though, in ‘My Sweet Babboo’.

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My Mexican sweets I brought back for work highlighted to me the importance of learning other languages. Personally, I was ok with the surprise of a fruit and chilli lollipop but I am not sure how well these went down with others who expected a fruity treat and instead had a mouth explosion.

Getting into Gatwick just before 7 on a Monday morning I then had a race to get home, showered, besuited and up north for the Romeo & Juliet wedding of the century – the Juve and Viola families brought together but without the tragedy Shakespeare described. Wonderful day and great bonus to see some of the Stockport Sippers. Rodney, the Cap’n and I were representing sobriety.

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Then back darn sarf (well east actually) to head for my parents’ Diamond Wedding Anniversary celebrations. My dad kept saying what a wonderful 50 years they have had together giving rise to the question ‘Which were the terrible ten years then?’. The dogs loved the beach and the cliff top runs (different sort to my Mexican runs I must stress), and lots was eaten and all was bliss.

So back to ‘normality’ now. Work and avoiding the heat. With perfect timing the football season has started – huzzah! With my beloved Stockport County back in the National League it means away days darn sarf once more. First on the horizon is Borehamwood next month. May be another trip to the same ground as Viola Women are playing Arsenal Women there in the Champions League. As for Clapton FC, well they may be out on their ear from The Old Spotted Dog ground which could kill them off. Do please sign the petition at https://claptonfc.com/please-sign-our-petition/.

Fiorentina, despite losing 3 – 4 to Napoli this weekend, have signed the icon that is Franck Ribery. He may be getting on a bit but he is just the player we need, having avoided relegation on the last day of the season. More on CS Lebowski when the season starts.

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My tv tip? ‘Stath Lets Flats’. I came across this purely by chance, no one recommended it to me, it is my own top tip, and I am binge watching. If you love programmes about flats being let, particularly by Greek family firms in the UK, then this is the show for you.

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I will finish with some quiz questions;

  1. The following items were in the Ann Summers on line sale in mid-July 2019. Place them in the correct order of price from highest to lowest.

You only score if you get them all right.

a. Submission Hood
b. Leather Flogger
c. Aphrodisiac Velvet Nipple Cones
d. Jolie Playsuit

2. What connects much loved British intellectual and politician Diane Abbott, American rapper Lil Wayne and nutter Gwyneth Paltrow?

3. Who was born in 1959, couldn’t bend her legs for the first 6 years of her life, has a brother called Todd and 2 sisters?

Two blogs in two days after none in over three months. That is why these two are so dull. The next one will be back to being educational. For example, did you know that seagulls evolved directly from pterodactyls? According to researchers and science and that, this evolution came about in a relatively short time period of approximately five years around the 1880s. The terror of the pterodactyl swooping down and carrying your Victorian loved ones away in its toothy beak was particularly common in coastal areas in the west of the UK until they, over half a decade, evolved into seagulls, which were initially the size of small rabbits with owl sized eyes and crab like pincers.

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As you will note, seagulls are getting bigger and bigger now. It is expected that in the next 5-10 years they will evolve once again into terrifying 20 foot tall land-based monsters that will prey on tall people and that by the end of the 2050s they will rule the earth along with cyborgs and dolphins.

More education next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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