I was on my way to Banbury Cross, then I see a monkey upon a white horse

Don’t panic! Don’t panic!! I am back, but I have been busy. It’s a full full life in Bob’s World at the moment.

Not panicking (the forte of butcher Jack, Corporal Jones) reminds me that I have been watching Dad’s Army episodes recently, some of which I don’t think I have ever seen.

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Now come on, did this photo frighten you? Godfrey – on the closing credits – really unsettled me as a child. He looked like a deranged old lady dressed in army fatigues. Look at him. Gives me chills even now. In the actual programme he was lovely, but he looks as mad as a box of frogs in the  closing credit sequence.

One of the episodes I just watched, saw the platoon trying to look younger to avoid being drafted into the ARP. Undertaker Frazer utilised the make-up he uses to glam up the recently deceased to make him, Godfrey and Jones look younger, leading to the superb line from Captain Mainwaring to Private Godfrey ‘You look like Madame Butterfly!’. Ha ha ha. Ok, perhaps you had to be there….

Bare breasted lady in Dad’s Army? Yes there was and I am not lying. Anyone remember that? I was very surprised! Also, I poignant episode where Captain Mainwaring fell in love with another woman and ended like Brief Encounter with her at the station and him in bits as she left his life forever. I am welling up.

Family Bob news. Bob Junior (male) just called to say he has a job interview for a bowling club. ‘Tenpin?’ I asked. ‘No’ said he, ‘it’s permanent’.

I had two job interviews myself yesterday. I made such an impression at one that they contacted me very soon afterwards indeed. I won’t tell you the outcome but let’s say I won’t need one of their nice lanyards.

Here are the panel discussing me post-interview.

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I am undertaking some short-term work elsewhere though which is why I have had no time to Boblog. I have barely had time to keep myself clean or to change my pants. Ask Mrs Bob. She plans strip me off and then hose me down in the garden later. She’ll have to catch me first. My little hobbity legs can move fast in emergencies.

Still getting plenty of dog time. In the cold weather last weekend poor Max was made to wear a jumper which looked like the sort of thing Arkwright’s assistant (David Jason) wore in Open All Hours. I kept expecting some hilarious Nurse Gladys or hand-caught-in-till antics from him but he disappointed.

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Talking TV, I have been meaning on several occasions to criticise the old children’s tv programme Magpie. Was this a northern thing not to like it? They just seemed to me to be southern hippie show-offs (no offence to my many southern hippy show-off friends like Boniface Catweasle). I mean who watched it? Blue Peter was dull and earnest but Magpie was worse as they tried to be cool / urban / funky / 70s hipster beard Hoxton (only hippies). Idiots.

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Now I have found and studied this picture I hate it / them even more.

This could be coloured by the fact that my beloved Stockport County ballsed up their play-off game this week at home to The Magpies (Chorley) who failed to read the script, winning 1-0. Yes, one for sorrow. Chorley are not idiots but they are sport-spoilers, nay spoilsports. As for County. It is hard to be a supporter.

I watched Deadpool the other day. Now that was a fun film about a flawed and wise-cracking superhero. It made me think that I too could be a superhero as I already have a mancave in the garden which I could call my Bobcave, Actually that might give my identity away.

Anyway Mrs Bob has been working on an outfit for me, I just need a name and superpower. Personally I am not sure about the outfit but Mrs Bob says it is what all new superheroes are wearing.

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I think my superpower would need to relate to taking and / or eating but I am not sure how this could be translated into heroic adventures.

I was asked for some HR consultancy advice this week as a mate started work as a clown the other day but was given the boot on the same day. I have advised him to claim for funfair dismissal.

I have eaten at the local Toby Carvery twice in a week.

Turkey. No other meats.

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One Toby trip was a no expenses spared birthday meal out for Mrs Bob. This perfectly complemented her gifts which included some new clothes pegs and some cleaning wipes you heat up and use for the microwave. Her face lit up I tell you. I also bought her a gift at the local petshop. I asked whether I could buy a goldfish and the shop owner said ‘do you want an aquarium?’. I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’ and stropped off out of there.

The exotic pet store was better in Debden and they had a monkey for sale. It had a tinopener and a banana and I said ‘what have you got that for? You don’t need a tinopener for a banana’. Imagine how stupid I felt when he rolled his eyes and said ‘I know, this is for the tin of custard’.

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‘Thanks’ to Athletico Mince podcast / Peter Beardsley for the quality of the stolen jokes.

Who likes to wear pants? I do. I have one well worn comfy pair I really like. Black with red love hearts, faded brushed cotton. Let me know what your favourite pants are. Not in a creepy / pervy way. No photos.

Bill Bailey and Idris Elba in the same sitcom. WTF?

I have decided I need to work out and lose a few years. This week an old lady – to be fair I am not sure she was as sharp of mind as supersharp Bob – saw me and a mate together. I am 52. He is 48. Making conversation, she asked whether he was my son. FFS do I look that old? He certainly doesn’t look that young. No offence my friend.

Sorry. This is lacklustre as I am tired and can’t be that arsed. Also nothing happens. I did go out for beers last night. Sambuca shot. What is that all about? Crap drink.

Enjoy the sun. Idiots.

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