Sociability is hard enough for me. Take me away from this big bad world and agree to marry me so we can start over again.

It’s been one of those dazed days.

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I went for a wee soon after 9 after two coffees and an espresso chaser, so I was buzzing. The thing is, I couldn’t work out for the life of me how to ‘get myself out’ to make the liquid magic happen. ‘GGrrrr Mrs Bob’ thought I out loud, in my head, and via virtual text. Mrs Bob had only gone and forgotten to check whether I had put my undies on the right way round.

Despite the caffeine cranial cacophony (or a harmony in one’s head if you like the Buzzcocks) I managed to avert disaster by establishing an escape route and my pantaloons remained a (relatively) dry zone.

It sums up the last few days. Yesterday’s ‘Breakfast with Bob’ ended up getting taken ‘off air’ as my sampling of Stevie Wonder’s ‘Happy Birthday’ led to Warner Music vetoing my YouTube video. Poor Mrs Bob, who could have seen me eating avocado and egg with my mouth open. Please note that Altered Images’ record label had no such issues.

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My eating over the last few days has also caused issues. I am regularly told off by the three Bobs (Mrs, Junior and Baby) with regards to my table manners. My problem is that I have more to say than time allows for, and so I try and fit in as much food as I can in one mouthful whilst also talking, and then laughing at my own ‘jokes’. This has led to several choking incidents and only Baby Bob appears willing to whack me on the back to save my life. I have tried tiny mouthfuls and not speaking with my mouth full but it means everyone else finishes and I am left alone eating, and worse still the family have missed out on my witty observations; impressions; anecdotes; noises; gurns and assorted annoyances. Their loss. It does save me soiling the front of my clothes. With food, not anything else I hasten to add.

Junior Bob threw lasagne out me this week and Mrs Bob was very angry with him. I had lasagne on my spectacles. It was a sight (that was a spontaneous pun; geddit?).

I have been interviewing all day with the magic of Microsoft Teams. It really is very good. (copyright Bob’s Tech Review).

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So lockdown has kept me busy. Work obviously but also with my quizzes and breakfast nonsense. I am not sure that 36 YouTube subscribers makes me a global phenomenon, but it does suggest that 36 people are so bored of life during lockdown that they end up watching me eating rather than sleeping, watching tv, or in fact doing anything else whatsoever. To those 36 forlorn souls I salute your impeccable taste and obvious state of bewilderment.

This may well be my first blog of the year. I think I am over-exposed (despite back-to-front pants) but despite doing nothing, as we can’t go anywhere or do anything, I am still finding nonsense to fill up whatever media channel I can access. Think about it. Have I actually written anything of substance here so far? I am 518 words in and it is all drivel. 525 words now. Easy.

I have enjoyed other quizzes. Des and Robin take a bow. Top stuff. The problem is that everything happens at 9pm these days. Quizzes and a million on-line catch-ups with friends you now see more of than you did pre-lockdown.

I have spent more time with some people this way than I would ever do, and that has been brilliant. It balances the worry and stress of elderly parents who live a long way away and can’t understand or remember why they need to be self-isolating. Tomorrow night it is Elvira and Nancy which will brighten the day.

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The pooches are loving having us all at home. So much that they follow me absolutely everywhere. Ernie turns 8 in a week or so. Baby Bob cut his fringe yesterday and he looks a right dork now. To be fair she also cut Junior Bob’s hair a week or so again and he looked a right nitwit so I had to shave it all off. I had a Mohican briefly but now just a suedehead. Mrs Bob needs a trim and I keep offering…….

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I have not been driven to too many box sets yet. I rewatched After Life and then the 2nd series. Good but not top class. The English Game was brilliant – lots of people recommended that to me and well worth a binge session. I am now starting Peaky Blinders from the beginning again. Ooh, they were cheeky monkeys weren’t they? Am I the only person who watches snippets of Gordon Ramsey on YouTube as he slags off restaurants and their food. Does he like nothing? If it was me I would scoff the lot and say they were all brilliant. Same with red wine. Posh stuff is wasted on me food and drink-wise. Beer excepted. You start adding non-beer ingredients like heather or orange or chocolate or tea or mung beans, and I will tip it down the khazi. Un-beer-lievable.

I made a Prawn Laksa tonight. That’s right. I am more talented than Jamie Oliver. Drooling idiot. This weekend I am making Paella as I am just blinking brilliant. I will NOT be buying any more jellied eel this weekend though. Seriously disgusting. Worse than lampredotto though? Close call. I was tempted by the squid but looks so disgusting pre-cooked. Like a whale’s intestines. I imagine.

Well it is not a long blog today but I have been working since 8 or so, as well as breakfast filming and clapping those NHS heroes (and the others – care home staff, shop staff, cleaners, transport and distribution workers, civil servants etc etc). On civil servants, a final salute to someone who made the effort to thank them for their current contribution. I know from my workplace only the mad hours and commitment of some. Big up Whitehall and big up Peter Andre!

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Bigger legend than PA though is undoubtedly Captain Tom Moore, who turned 100 today and has raised millions for the NHS. He fought in WWII and then this. At 100. Amazing gent. Let’s finish on this note. Hats off Cap’n and have a wonderful celebration and then a good restful day off after all your exercise and press attention!

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