Take a look at me. See, I couldn’t look no better girl. I’m at my peak and that’s a fact, that’s a fact

You may be surprised to hear it, but my blogs are occasionally ‘planned’ and have a certain Boblike method to their madness. Not today.

Again, since I left my job and had my two month break / big fat sausage finger experiences, I have been busier than ever on my ‘non-employed but working very hard for money’ alternative. Being a solo act has meant that I am bound to win my World Cup sweepstake though I doubt I will pay up.

So yes excuses again for the delay and excuses also for the content.

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Getting onto dogs, now my two devoted hounds who I shall call Ernie and Max (for those are their names) love having me about but are not so mad about the hot weather. I have accounted for this. Firstly earl early walks before the sun burns into your soul. A lovely dip in the ice cold river and Bob’s your nightmare.

Next, ice cream. Now this weekend it was deemed odd that I fed them each an individual Mini Milk ice lolly. They bloody love them though. Ice in the water bowl too. Fan-bloody-tastic they shout! Frozen chicken liver and tripe on sticks in gelatine – one for all the family. Duck brain and lamb snouts in aspic, on a bed of crushed ice. Perfection. Spoil your dogs in this hot weather. They deserve it.

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It’s not all dogs dogs dogs.

Us humans get hot too. Now I have told you before that I wear a sleep apnoea mask at night. Mrs Bob actually prefers me with it on as it hides my face and I also look like a cool fighter pilot. Another of my many medical issues is a leg and feet skin problem that makes me look more troll-like on bad days. One thing that helps is, bizarrely, slathering thick moisturising cream all over and then wrapping yourself up in clingfilm. Mrs Bob also likes it when I do this but I won’t expand on that….

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So in this hot weather imagine it. Face mask and cling-filmed legs and feet (so long jimjam bottoms too). Not so much Tom Cruise in Top Gun; more Gimp-bloke in Pulp Fiction (only more uncomfortable). I will say it again, Mrs Bob truly picked the Golden Ticket when she won me at the Church tombola.

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By the morning my cling film stockings have slipped and wrinkled like Nora Batty’s. Nice.

Not as nice as my current worklife balance. So dog walk first thing then breakfast. Then down to The Bobcave and work work work. Then maybe the 2nd half of a World Cup game and then all the evening game with work added in between, after and at the weekend. I have to say it is dragging the week out but helps me watch more football and also save time commuting. I miss the Central Line in the summertime.

Loving the football. Friends were over for England’s last gasp win against Tunisia and we continued the drinking until late. Panama. The mighty Panama. Clearly that warranted a BBQ for friends. After that match a number of neighbours asked – innocently – do you have a tv in the garden cabin now? Yes, we may have celebrated each goal against the Panamanian connoisseurs of both football and wrestling.

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Kid Creole wore a panama hat. I saw him with his coconuts and his sidekick Coatimundi play the Manchester Apollo on 1982. Ironically KC’s real forename is August which is only two months away from now. Uncanny yes? No pun intended.

Panini sticker collecting has ground to a halt as I am too busy a) filling in my, sorry our, World Cup wallchart and b) working out how to watch more games.

Hold on, August sounds a bit like Arnold, sort of. That is a beautiful link to something I did want to cover. Yet another Dad’s Army related thing. Private Godfrey, the terrifying one who looked like a satanic old lady, well get this…… The actor Arnold Ridley was the 2nd Doctor Who!! Yes, I didn’t know that either until today. In real life he was married to Hattie Jacques of Carry-On film fame, and his time in the SAS bizarrely inspired the character of Ripley in Alien. It is true!

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You just forget how much Private Godfrey did – or inspired –  in his real life. His last role that did much box office-wise was to play Professor Trimbletum in Harry Potter: Revenge of the Snarglesprites. All hail Private Godfrey!

Health and wellbeing does abound generally but Mrs Bob has a grotty cold and went to bed early. My mantra at the moment is ‘life is too short’ just suck the pleasure out of what makes you happy. For me, family, my varied and eclectic bunch of mates, my dogs, my beloved football and smiling and laughing (the latter two often done on the packed tube when travelling solo). So many stresses are caused by stupid things – wanting more money when you have enough; wanting a promotion to give you a feeling of self-worth; being more successful’ then your friends and neighbours. Pah. First World problems that refugees and those in war torn countries, or living in the face of natural disasters, would love to have instead of what their realities are. Look at your glass, It may well be half full. I’m not naïve – I see friends and family struggle with ill health and bereavements – but let’s go down smiling as much as we can and doing good things. Treat others like you want to be treated. Yes, some will be complete shits, but sod them, and focus on the vast majority of lovely people.

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No idea where that came from. I may start preaching at Hyde Park Corner. Madonna’s father used to but then she asked him to stop as it affected her sleep.

There is some bad bad stuff happening out there. Only today I heard that my pal in t’north, who we shall call Spartacus, had his clothes line prop stolen from his garden. If you get offered it please call 999.

I had some very nice salmon for me tea. I think I have gone off those big burgers. Just saying.

Ok this is petering out now…..

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Next time I will try and plan it a wee bit better. I finish this ‘not a job, but lots of work’ on or by Friday 13 July after which I will be jobless, potless, but blogging more. If you know anyone who needs a portly, hairy, mask-wearing, leg-wrapping, big fat sausage-fingered, mildly asthmatic, annoyingly upbeat, Vitamin D deficient, high-cholesteroled, flat-footed, pleasantly deranged HR professional, do let me know. I’m free.

Oo oo, I forgot! Me, and my friends Stewart Lee and Thor, went to watch Switzerland beat Serbia at a pop-up World Cup venue on Brick Lane last week. It was organised by Mundial football mag and it was great. We drank lots and cheers a lot. We posed for pics with Security to look like we were being ejected; at the point they were in fact trying to get us to leave. Thor and SL spent have of the first half blethering about public sector self-employment tax arrangements. It really added to the atmosphere. Going out to watch a game is great. See, I can give hot tips like this too that you would never have considered.

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I was going to moan about the price of Smashing Pumpkins tickets but I can’t be bothered now.

4 thoughts on “Take a look at me. See, I couldn’t look no better girl. I’m at my peak and that’s a fact, that’s a fact

  1. yet again your humour has my tummy up and down wish you lived neqrer as i would be constantly comming to the man cave , dropped the boys off at airport for LIAMS STAG DO IN crete ,tommorrow off to maderia

    Like

    1. You are too kind young Stu. Have a great trip and bring me some cake back!

      Like

  2. Thank you for a good read. Keep writing friend!

    Like

  3. Thanks Maria. Spreading knowledge is my aim 🤣🤣

    Like

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