An invisible man sleepin’ in your bed? Oh who ya gonna call?

Today I have a blog agenda:

  1.  Fat sausage finger update
  2. 99p Full English Breakfast
  3. Dirty cushions

Agenda item 1. I was thinking today that if I got into a fisticuffs situation with a rogue and / or ruffian, I would have a problem. I cannot bend my fat sausage finger so it closes which means I cannot make a fist. I can make a fist of my left hand but my bicep power on my left arm is only 3.1 so I would probably have to slap rather than punch.

th961Y9ONKSo this is a plea. If you think you are hard enough, I need volunteers to back me up in case of a rumble / hullabaloo involving rough lads. I can help with the odd mild slap and a fat middle sausage finger rebuke, but not much else. Pay negotiable.

Thanks to two friends who sent me pics of their fat sausage fingers. One I have featured already. The other I do feel I cannot formally feature as it was a plaster on the finger that made it ‘fat’. I appreciate the contribution but feel this could be construed as misleading information if published. I would not want the content of this blog to be challenged in terms of truth or accuracy.

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Agenda item 2. Thanks to Cockney Jon for bringing to my attention the opening of a caff (Grafters Café) in Southend which is offering a special full English breakfast for a staggeringly low 99p.

As reported in the Basildon / Canvey / Southend Echo;

“The owners behind the scheme admitted they have taken inspiration from the popularity of Poundland and 99p shops in today’s day and age.

The 99p breakfast will be made up of a Cumberland sausage, a rasher of bacon, a fried egg, baked beans and toast – and the cafe has already struck up a deal with Southend United”.

Better still you can pay another 99p to ‘big up’ your brekkie or indeed another 99p to ‘supersize’ it.

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They stress that the beans are Heinz, and plan to open other caffs up over the next 9-12 months. I’ll have a £2.97 version please with a cup of tea. Brilliant idea. Reminds me of Benjis with its cheap cheap brekkie stuff – Sausage and Egg Torpedo with brown sauce; perfect the morning after a night out.

Agenda item 3. Dirty cushions. Now as we had some sunshine yesterday, Mrs Bob put a few of our wicker furniture cushions out. A few hours later and here is what they looked like.

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No one appeared to have muddy dog paw prints other than the two BobDogs who – despite having muddy paws – were adamant they had not done it. They blamed a passing stranger (“he was not from round these parts”) and were upset that I suggested they were the culprits. “But I saw you both jumping and bouncing on the cushions” said I. It was at this point that Max burst into tears and Ernie actually swore at me for the first time in his life. Both looked so sad and innocent though that I had to belive them. If you see someone in the vicinity looking “shifty” with false dog paw shoes on covered in mud and “wearing some sort of spaceman helmet and rubber gloves” please let me know asap.

Now onto Any Other Business…..

Quick pun interlude.

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Watched The Interview last night – the Seth Rogen comedy about Kim Jong Un requesting an interview from his favourite (brainless) US chat show host. Very very funny. Bob gives it 18 out of 23. I never knew that KJU did not have a butthole and that he loves Katy Perry. Illuminating.

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Got the rest of my records down to the mancave in the garden today together with a load of forgotten CDs. Today I played Toney Lee’s ‘Reach up’, The Motorcycle Boy’s ‘Big Rock Candy Mountain’ and had all of the ‘True Colours’ album by Level 42 yesterday. ‘Lush’ as Barnaby Rudge would say. The TV went up on the mancave wall.

Bob Junior (Female) and her boyfriend – who we shall call Olly Murs – did one of those dance games on the Wii yesterday down in the mancave. Olly got overexcited and with a Travolta-esque hand aloft managed to smash the Carey Glitterball in half. Ruined my glitzy summer disco plans.

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Now on occasions I overstep the mark. Mike, if you are reading this, can I say sorry for texting you earlier and calling you “big baby pissypants”. I stand by the reasoning behind my comment but on reflection that was hurtful and probably made you cry so much that my name-calling in fact came true.

Now I love Peep Show and one of our friend’s starred in a few episodes as Big Mad Andy. Check out the first episode of a new series he is on (viewable on Amazon Prime), Spirit Breaker.

“Dave (Peep Show’s Liam Noble) will stop at nothing to stay in the pub all day, no matter who gets in the way. Avoiding your wife and drinking full time isn’t just a bad habit, it’s a way of life”.

This episode is a finalist at Rome’s Prisma Independent Film Awards! Well worth a watch!

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Finally, animal corner.

Today, the loveable squirrel.

The squirrel first came to Britain in the days of the Roman Empire when two young nutkins crept aboard a galley heading from Gaul to Wessex. They started a family and then some more squirrels arrived via Harwich (from Holland) and BOOM! Population explosion.  Within a decade there were over 12 million squirrels in Britain.

Numbers fell in the late 19th century when squirrel killed squirrel (The First Great Squirrel War) but despite urban myths, there are no differently coloured squirrels, just different coloured fur coats and jumpers.

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Squirrels have of course gone on to fame and fortune in the entertainment and business world. They are officially more clever than dolphins and 2018 will see the first squirrel standing in a parliamentary by-election (in Bushey ironically).

Monday beckons. So enjoy your week and be careful crossing the road. Thank you very much, Bob has left the building.

 

 

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